Welcome to the Funny website

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Watch the life cycle.....   The pictures attached are used to test the level of stress a person can handle (click on the pics below to see the larger test images).   The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Senior citizens and kids see them standing still. FYI ... None of these images are animated - they are perfectly static! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." -- Carl Sandberg BEST POSITIONS IN BED “If things seem under control, you’re just not going fast enough.” And you thought it was going to be dirty Get your mind out of the GUTTER. Now invite everyone that needs to smile today to visit our site!! Faces   "Doc, give it to me straight." "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" "You have twenty four hours to live." "That's the *good* news? What's the bad then?" "I forgot to call you yesterday." - Billy Crystal, "Mr. Saturday Night" http://www.answers.com/billy%20crystal "Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than to be educated." -- Robert C Savage Competition brings out the best in products and the worst.....     "No one grows old by living - only by losing interest in living." -- Marie Beynon Ray WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on  the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business  Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her  husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S  REVENGE  "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I  asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come  shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could  do to him." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand  women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it  onto your upper th igh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of  a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR  While  attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace  listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know  the things that are important to each other."  He addressed  the man,   "Can you describe your wife's favorite  flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and  whispered, "It's  Pillsbury, isn't it?  The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right  here. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS  A man  walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices  him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a  box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few  minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of st ring on  the counter.  She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were  looking for some tampons for your wife?  He  answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store  to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco  and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I  have to roll my own so does she.  (Of course . . . I figure  this guy is the one on the milk  carton! :-) WIFE VS.  HUSBAND  A couple drove down a country road for several  miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument  and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a  barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked  sarcastically,  "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife  replied, "in-laws." WORDS A husband read  an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a  man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,  "What?" CREATION  A man said to his  wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all  at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God  made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES  WHAT  A man and his wife were having an argument about  who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it,  because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our  coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for  my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should d o it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she  fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top  of several pages, that it indeed  says.........."HEBREWS" Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. 13 things a man can do at Hyperama while his wife is taking her time  1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when  they aren't looking.  2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute  intervals.  3.  Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3  in Housewares'... and see what happens.  4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.  5. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"  6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.  7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.  8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why  can't you people just leave me alone?"  9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.  10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he  knows where the anti-depressants are located.  11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme  from Mission Impossible.  12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through, say:  "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"  13. And last but not least: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

DO YOU SEE FOUR PEOPLE?   Who is the tallest?   A face?  Or, the word 'liar' ? NEXT: What do you see here? Do you see the word "LIFT"? Or, a bunch of black splotches ?     GIRLS ARE ABLE TO SPOT THE WORD "LIFT" EASILY. MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO SEE THE WORD "LIFT"!!!   How many horses in this picture? The Answer is 7. Look at the middle column. Where does it end?     NEXT: IMPOSSIBLE OBJECT: IMPOSSIBLE OBJECT: This is a so called "impossible object".  This means that it's impossible to build it!  But drawing it is not impossible, as you see in the image. NEXT?  FIND THE FACES:   THE LAST ONE: FOCUS ON THE DOT! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OBJECT?

Click here to link to things a little more on the naughty side

 

Love Dont Ask " Who Are You?" Love Only Says " You Are Mine !"          Love Dont Ask " Where Are You From?" Love Only Says " You Lives In My Heart !"  Love Dont Ask " what Do You Do?" Love Only Says " You Make My Heart To Beat !" Love Dont Ask " Why Are You Faraway?" Love Only Says " You Are Always With Me !" Love Dont Ask " Do You Love Me?" Love Only Says " I Love You ! "

Some management lessons    A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. ! The ghost says,"Normally,one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"   Lesson I: "Always allow the bosses to speak first"   *********************************************************************   Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper,and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."       Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.   *********************************************************************   An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"   The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."   A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked: What kind of 'kee' are you? The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"       Lesson III - Never insult anyone.   *********************************************************************   There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SH*T!!!!!!!........."   Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes accidents do happen

I quote others only the better to express myself. MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. WINSTON CHURCHILL Quotations when engraved upon the memory give you good thoughts. WINSTON CHURCHILL I often quote myself.  It adds spice to my conversation. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Creed of Friendship   I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers. I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain, nor the future with its untold stories. But I can be there now when you need me to care. I can't keep your feet from stumbling. I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall. Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine; Yet I can share in your laughter. Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge; I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask. I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me. I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you. I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you, But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself. I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting, But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place. I can't tell you who you are. I can only love you and be your friend.

Bargains Today a bargain is anything that is only moderately overpriced. Women may be the weaker sex, but not at a bargain counter. "Bad, bad," says the buyer; but when he goes his way, then he boasts. PROVERBS 20:14 Necessity never made a good bargain. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

There are many lessons that we learn during our time here.  See if the following five lessons are interesting to you.  Subject: 5 Important Lessons I received the following from a friend and wanted to share it with you  . . .   First Important Lesson During my second month of college our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.   Second Important Lesson One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure the lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise ,a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."  Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.   Third Important Lesson In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents, she brusquely replied." The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip. Remember those who serve.   Fourth Important Lesson In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.   Fifth Important Lesson Giving When It Counts - Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz, who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies, needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it, if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. You see, after all, understanding and attitude, is everything.  Now you have 2 choices....   1. Delete this email, or   2. Do what ever think is Good for you.             Have a Nice Time and Have Good Luck.   I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember...   "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and  dance like nobody's watching."  "If you can't have what you love, try to love what you have!"  And I believe...Something Never Changes and Something Always DO!

Be Careful Guys A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . " "and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

My son is thinking of becoming a doctor.  He has the handwriting for it. Doctors have been classified into three types -- expensive, costly, and exorbitant. Some doctors tell their patients the worst -- others mail them the bill. My doctor saved my life once.  I called him to the house and he never showed up. Doctors are becoming easier to find these days.  Most of the caddies all have portable phones. The best doctor is the one you run for and can't find. DENIS DIDEROT The person most often late for a doctor's appointment is the doctor himself. One doctor makes work for another. Wherever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm. HIPPOCRATES An ignorant doctor is no better than a murderer. CHINESE PROVERB A man who is his own doctor has a fool for his patient. Every doctor has his favorite disease. God heals and the doctor takes the fee. Though the patient die, the doctor is paid. The doctor is more to be feared than the disease. FRENCH PROVERB No good doctor ever takes physic. ITALIAN PROVERB Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust. DON HEROLD While the doctors consult, the patient dies. ENGLISH PROVERB

This is brilliant!! A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" I did, they're in your tackle box.

A Woman They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.   They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.   They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.   They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.   The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her  nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a  $30,000 loan to take a holiday."  Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his  name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he  knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the  loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and  produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink  and perfectly formed.  Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank  manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and  says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know  you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."  She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"  (you're gonna love this...)  (its a real treat...)  (masterpiece...)  (wait for it...)  The bank manager looks back at her and says.... "It's a knickknack, Patty  Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."  (You're singing it, aren't you?!!   :-)

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS' "

Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.



       1. Falling in  love.



       2. Laughing so hard your face  hurts.



       3. A hot  shower.



       4.  No queues at the  supermarket



       5. A special  glance.



       6. Getting  mail



       7. Taking a drive on a pretty  road.



       8. Hearing your favorite song on the  radio.



       9. Lying in bed  listening to the rain  outside.



       10. Hot towels fresh out of the  dryer.



       11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)



       12. A bubble  bath.



       13.  Giggling.



       14. A good  conversation.



       15. The  beach



       16. Finding a 20 pound note in your coat from last winter.



       17.  Laughing at yourself.



       19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.



       20. Running through sprinklers.



       21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.



       22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.



       23. Laughing at an inside joke.



       24.  Friends.



       25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.



       26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.



       27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).



       28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.



       29. Playing with a new puppy.



       30. Having someone play with your hair.



       31. Sweet dreams.



       32. Hot chocolate.  (The drink or the group)



       33. Road trips with friends.



       34. Swinging on swings.



       35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.



       36. Making chocolate chip cookies.



       37. Having your friends send you home-made biscuits.



       38. Holding hands with someone you care about.



       39. Running into an old friend and realizing
       that some things (good or bad) never change. 



       40. Watching the expression on someone's face
       as they open a much desired present from you.



       41. Watching the sunrise.



       42. Getting out of bed every morning and
       being grateful for another beautiful day.



       43. Knowing that somebody misses you. 



       44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. 



       45. Knowing you've done the right thing,
       no matter what other people think.  


              PASS ON THESE NATURAL HIGHS
             TO ALL THOSE WHO MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU. 

       Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings
       have trouble remembering how to fly.

Please send your contributions -English and Afrikaans - to louis-k@mweb.co.za